I live in two worlds.
One is the old one. A dead end job in a global news station. When I am there, I get jealous, frustrated, because everyone around me seems to be doing so much better. One colleague is buying that camera I can only dream of having, the other is getting jobs from all directions, everybody knows and loves him. Another just got promoted. Many can afford to buy houses, they don’t have any troubles feeding their families.
Most have expensive computers, phones, stay in hotels when they go to america and Asia.
When they meet they show each other fotos of their children and their vacations. They care about this sort of thing.
They have good contracts and incomes, they are actually having careers.
When I am there, I get jealous, I feel like I am not trying hard enough, maybe I am not social or open enough, I should love my job more, I should love money for the things I can buy with it. Not just for me but for my family.
When I get home in the evening, i am very unhappy with myself. I feel useless. I ask myself why I am still going on with this. Sometimes I blame the responsibilities I chose. sometimes I blame my wife, sometimes society, sometimes just bad luck, almost always my own laziness and unwillingness to sell myself.
And then there is the other world. The one of festivals and parks and juggling and friends and massage. There is music in this world and people not talking about their achievements, their houses, their cars, but about love, about healing, about the nature of the universe, they teach each other and they learn from each other.
They don’t show fotos of their children, but they bring their children along, so they can show themselves, play with everyone, learn and teach.
In that world people listen to me, they care about my feelings, they help when help is needed and they ask for help, when they need it themselves. In that world I am a healer, a juggler, a teacher, even a leader or just someone to have a good conversation with.
That world is just around the corner. In that world I am happy. there are just a few things it does not do.
Feed my family. Pay rent.
So I remain torn between a world that does not really want me, because it somehow understands that I don’t belong there, and one that loves me but can’t pay my bills.
For your own sake I hope that you don’t understand this dilemma.
I live in two worlds.